siggh
ever since that day, my mood hasnt been good once. it was like a multiple attack on me as it all happened on the day before our 2nd month anniversary, chinese new year and worst of all, when im still serving the nation.
couldnt she understand that i was simply showing my concerns to her? isnt contacting her frens to look out for her shows that i care for her? why is this a hindrance, a nuisance to her when others think otherwise? i have no intentions to bother her friends nor family. i just called her good friend and she's the one who asked me to contact the other, knowing that she might be with her. i only wanted to call just ONE person.
step into my shoe and view in my perspective. i was confined all alone at home for more than a week! this feeling really sucks! i need someone to be there w me. okay, perhaps not physically but at least psychologically. show some care by replying me or keep me accompanied. yeah, i know that u have ur work. but at least reply me not just a word or two when u are free. though its just a sms, it means a lot to me. at least it makes me feel that im loved, theres someone there to support and motivate me. one word replies are really heartbreaking for me.
before ur test, i spent hours to think of how to make u feel calm and to wish u all the best for ur test. do u rmb that i sent 8 smses that mrg at 3-4am? i spent quite some time to change lyrics to make u smile and relax before u take ur test. was thinking that u wld be so touched and happy when u see it in the mrg and u wld send a thank you msg to me. i was wrong. u know, everytime when i send u looong smses or sweet smses, im always hoping to see sth nice back. but im always dissapointed when u say orh, k, ty, etc or nv even reply.
u know i really want to give in a lot into our relationship. i've learnt mistakes from the past. i hardly spend time gg out w my ex last time and now i want to give u all my time. i want to give u wadeva i can give. however, to u, u made me sound like im not giving u freedom. i just dont want to repeat the mistakes that ive made and most importantly, i want u to have e best of all. i know i did not give u much freedom and space, i have to agree to that. yeah, after u told me, i do realise my mistake and i did change, did i? i have never stopped u from gg out or wad.
still rmb once when u were at conrad, u smsed me asking me to send u home. i rushed down immediately to suntec to fetch u straight from home. furthermore, i've sent u to and from work almost daily w/o fail. yeah, comparing me w ken or ben, this might be nothing. but to me, im giving u my time and all. even my mum said, i've nv been so good to anyone, not even her.
i dunno whether u do appreciate the stuff i do for u. like sending u home, it might be quite common for u, but do say a word thanks. it means alot, really. i mean even tho im your bf that time, sending u back home is my role, a word thanks really warms my heart. and going to work in conrad was a way to spend more time w you, knowing that u cant get out due to ur packed schedule from work.
ya, e duration we know each other isnt that long. but im proud to say that ive nv made u sad before. thats wad ive promised myself and its true indeed. really dunno why u are always angry with me. take recent times, whateva i say annoys u. u always say im dumb, always say im talking rubbish, asking stupid qns. if i were another person, wld u say that to him/her? asking whats happening to u, etc simply shows that i care for u and im not trying to be irritating or wad. now, i really dunno wad to say to u wheneva we talk. im just afraid that i might provoke u or make u moody. dunno why nowadays u always use vulgarities on me when i really have enough of it in ns. u are the one i am hoping for to support me and show me care and concern towards my military life, but u didnt. i really dont like it when u keep scolding me non-stop when im alr so tired of military. nonetheless, i know u need someone to be ur punching bag and i really dont mind being the one for u. i dont mind u scolding but i hope u dont mean what u say or rather u say it as u just wanna vent ur anger on someone. u really seem so cold towards me. u dont even do this to me when we were just friends. tell urself honestly, do u really treat me as ur ex, or rather someone who was part of ur life.
it seems like u have gotten over me so quickly. i rmb u told me over sms that u were sad too, do u? life seems to be normal, or even better for u when u got ur new job, new circle of friends and colleagues. do u know that ive been feeling down all these while. do u know that ive been 'emo-ing' during my stay in ns, sitting alone at one corner thinking of u? life really sucks for me. everyday, i have to face the same shit over and over again in camp. thoughts of u and us kept refreshing my mind every now and then. does it happen the same to u too? do u even think of me? have u ever sat down and think of me and the things that we have done tgt? u know when i was in tekong, i looked at our photos everyday w/o fail, even when im tired. i even dreamt that u came to find me. how i wish that would happen.
really dunno why im shedding tears upon writing the above paragraph. perhaps that is the reason why im so sad for this period of time.
im really lost u know. over the phone in smses u are so so cold towards me. but when we are out tgt, u are so different. i really dunno wad u want. when i asked if u want to be tgt u said no. then why are u doing all these to me? no offence though, but i feel like im being toyed. when i was at ur workplace, i see u busy using ur phone every now and then. but when i sms u, i hardly get any reply or its just a word. this shows alot. im not important to u.
please do something to solve my misery asap k. u know i still have feelings for u, and i really do. not just my family, but my bunkmates could tell that theres sth wrong w me lately. u are the one who can make me go high and low. i hope u can make the right decision.
now i feel slightly better after i've thrashed out everything from my heart. nonetheless, my heart still remains a wound that would only be healed by someone and that someone is you.
